"I came to theory because I was hurting-the pain within me was so intense that I could not go on living. I came to theory desperate, wanting to comprehend-to grasp what was happening around and within me. Most importantly, I wanted to make the hurt go away. I saw in theory then a location for healing. "
(hooks, 1994, 59).
-bell hooks, teaching to transgress
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
adventure
Adventure
My friend Courtney was telling me about how her and Lauren took a trip down to South Georgia. Slept in the car, swam: the kind of adventure I like best. And someone said to them, "that's not much of an adventure".
I used to watch the movie Paris Texas when I was 16, over and over and over. It is a very slow movie. Very very slow. And may be partially that is what I liked about it. When my life was so fast and so much information and so much I didn't understand and so much out of control. This movie was like breath. But the part, really, that I waited for, was at the end, and the person telling the story of how their lives had been. He says, "Everything was an adventure. Even just an ordinary trip to the grocery store was such an adventure".
This is what I wanted in life, and what I still want, and what I have. To not grown complacent. To not stop seeing the beauty and wonder in all the small things. To not stop being curious. To never fall out of love. Like when my dog was still alive and I used to take her for 5 mile walks, in the cold winter where the wind bit my skin and she was so happy and we were in love with this, the world, the air, the snow. We would walk to the one pond in the city an lay on the ice and look at the stars. "What do you do for fun", one of my friends asked me. And I told her that story, and she said, "That doesn't sound like much fun".
I want adventure in everything. In the way we let eachother in to our lives, in the daily living in this world. I want adventure that's not self-destructive. That's not always an exciting story. That's not adrenaline filled. I want sleeping in cars and swimming and talking to strangers and looking and feeling and freedom and quiet and someplace new and someplace familiar. Even the ordinary, adventure.
My friend Courtney was telling me about how her and Lauren took a trip down to South Georgia. Slept in the car, swam: the kind of adventure I like best. And someone said to them, "that's not much of an adventure".
I used to watch the movie Paris Texas when I was 16, over and over and over. It is a very slow movie. Very very slow. And may be partially that is what I liked about it. When my life was so fast and so much information and so much I didn't understand and so much out of control. This movie was like breath. But the part, really, that I waited for, was at the end, and the person telling the story of how their lives had been. He says, "Everything was an adventure. Even just an ordinary trip to the grocery store was such an adventure".
This is what I wanted in life, and what I still want, and what I have. To not grown complacent. To not stop seeing the beauty and wonder in all the small things. To not stop being curious. To never fall out of love. Like when my dog was still alive and I used to take her for 5 mile walks, in the cold winter where the wind bit my skin and she was so happy and we were in love with this, the world, the air, the snow. We would walk to the one pond in the city an lay on the ice and look at the stars. "What do you do for fun", one of my friends asked me. And I told her that story, and she said, "That doesn't sound like much fun".
I want adventure in everything. In the way we let eachother in to our lives, in the daily living in this world. I want adventure that's not self-destructive. That's not always an exciting story. That's not adrenaline filled. I want sleeping in cars and swimming and talking to strangers and looking and feeling and freedom and quiet and someplace new and someplace familiar. Even the ordinary, adventure.
Monday, May 14, 2007
remember your dreams
healing, dreams, becoming human, writing
try and remember your dreams.
If you can't remember your dreams, keep a little notebook under your pillow or by your bed and a little mini flashlight, and write down anything, fragments or feelings, don't try to make sense of anything, just write faster than your brain can go.
Why? there are things inside that are strength giving things, healing things, love yourself things, and sometimes they are working in your sleep. they are creating messages and ways of fixing, and I know for me sometimes all I can remember is the bad dreams, but past that is the good ones. Sometimes even the good is hidden in the bad.
The best part of the dreams for me is when the truelove visits me. Once upon a time I thought the true love was something outside myself. something I could find out in the real world, and maybe there is. but this is a different love, it is part split off from the wholeness of me, and i think a lot of us have that. To survive in this world we have hidden away parts. we are full of self-hate and self-blame and guilt, and there are resources inside ourselves waiting to be recognized, waiting to be let back in.
At night, when I remember, I say, "come visit me dearone." and sometime it does. It takes a little to recognize. It is when I wake up and feel happy and a feeling of wholeness, and I feel back through the images to where that happiness comes from. The truelove comes in different forms. It has come as a highschool boy, troubled. It has come as a part human part cougar. it has come as baby twins. It has come as billiejoe from green day. it has come as a shadow, as a revolutionary fighter. Whatever form it visits in, I try and recognize it. thank it. lay there in the morning re-remembering that feeling of happiness, wholeness, peace.
And rememebering these feelings. letting them in. and in the day when things are rough I try and call them back to me. I give the images names. I call them back to me.
try and remember your dreams.
If you can't remember your dreams, keep a little notebook under your pillow or by your bed and a little mini flashlight, and write down anything, fragments or feelings, don't try to make sense of anything, just write faster than your brain can go.
Why? there are things inside that are strength giving things, healing things, love yourself things, and sometimes they are working in your sleep. they are creating messages and ways of fixing, and I know for me sometimes all I can remember is the bad dreams, but past that is the good ones. Sometimes even the good is hidden in the bad.
The best part of the dreams for me is when the truelove visits me. Once upon a time I thought the true love was something outside myself. something I could find out in the real world, and maybe there is. but this is a different love, it is part split off from the wholeness of me, and i think a lot of us have that. To survive in this world we have hidden away parts. we are full of self-hate and self-blame and guilt, and there are resources inside ourselves waiting to be recognized, waiting to be let back in.
At night, when I remember, I say, "come visit me dearone." and sometime it does. It takes a little to recognize. It is when I wake up and feel happy and a feeling of wholeness, and I feel back through the images to where that happiness comes from. The truelove comes in different forms. It has come as a highschool boy, troubled. It has come as a part human part cougar. it has come as baby twins. It has come as billiejoe from green day. it has come as a shadow, as a revolutionary fighter. Whatever form it visits in, I try and recognize it. thank it. lay there in the morning re-remembering that feeling of happiness, wholeness, peace.
And rememebering these feelings. letting them in. and in the day when things are rough I try and call them back to me. I give the images names. I call them back to me.
harmony between the sexes, pt 1
This was from my punk planet blog.
Tip 1-5: Harmony Between the Sexes
I know that these words, sex, gender, are not perfect words. And when I say man or boy I mean anyone who was ever a man or boy or who defines that way now (although sometime I might be talking about people with penis's, but I really can't stand saying people with penis's or people with cunts), and when I say girl or woman, I mean if you were or are. Also, just because you're a woman doesn't mean you have gotten rid of the patriarchy inside your head - and same with if you're a feminist boy. And this whole thing isn't to point fingers and judge, but is actually to try and help us all think about they ways we communicate and the things we do or don't do, and what we can do to be better friends to eachother.
1. Talk to girls about politics. I don't mean just blather on to them about your ideas and what great things you're doing, I mean, if you are a person who talks to guys about ideas and politics, and you have friends who are girls who are active in the world, then talk with them too. And if they don't like talking with you about ideas and politics, try and figure out what you're doing that shuts the conversation down. Know that there are other ways to talk other than debate. Also, guys talk to guys about emotions. (and look at what kinds of things you talk about with different people. Think about why, and whether you should change it.)
2. In groups of people, make sure you make eye contact with women and ask women for their ideas and input.
3. If there is a new girl in your scene, make her feel welcome and not sleezed on.
4. If you are friends with someone who feels silenced a lot (and even outspoken girls who seem like they wouldn't feel silenced still do feel that way. It is a lifetime of shittiness upon us) , make sure you acknowledge their ideas. A lot of times guys take things that were a woman's idea, and say it as if it was their own. I don't think it is usually in an intentionally shitty way, and a lot of time it might even be subconcious. (I actually do this a lot too, like I think she had a great insight or idea and she's not going to say it, and I want to get it out there in the world, so I say it like it was my idea, and some of my close woman friends have told me it makes them feel unappreciated, unheard, and made invisible. And like their ideas and contributions to the world will never be seen as their own - the credit will always go to someone with more social power.)
5. If you are a guy who sleeps with girls, use condoms! Never assume that she is on the pill or taking care of it in some other way. If you don't like condoms, work on getting use to using them. Try using lube. ( I mean, of course everyone should practice safe sex, but what I'm talking about here is taking responsibility for pregnancy)
Tip 1-5: Harmony Between the Sexes
I know that these words, sex, gender, are not perfect words. And when I say man or boy I mean anyone who was ever a man or boy or who defines that way now (although sometime I might be talking about people with penis's, but I really can't stand saying people with penis's or people with cunts), and when I say girl or woman, I mean if you were or are. Also, just because you're a woman doesn't mean you have gotten rid of the patriarchy inside your head - and same with if you're a feminist boy. And this whole thing isn't to point fingers and judge, but is actually to try and help us all think about they ways we communicate and the things we do or don't do, and what we can do to be better friends to eachother.
1. Talk to girls about politics. I don't mean just blather on to them about your ideas and what great things you're doing, I mean, if you are a person who talks to guys about ideas and politics, and you have friends who are girls who are active in the world, then talk with them too. And if they don't like talking with you about ideas and politics, try and figure out what you're doing that shuts the conversation down. Know that there are other ways to talk other than debate. Also, guys talk to guys about emotions. (and look at what kinds of things you talk about with different people. Think about why, and whether you should change it.)
2. In groups of people, make sure you make eye contact with women and ask women for their ideas and input.
3. If there is a new girl in your scene, make her feel welcome and not sleezed on.
4. If you are friends with someone who feels silenced a lot (and even outspoken girls who seem like they wouldn't feel silenced still do feel that way. It is a lifetime of shittiness upon us) , make sure you acknowledge their ideas. A lot of times guys take things that were a woman's idea, and say it as if it was their own. I don't think it is usually in an intentionally shitty way, and a lot of time it might even be subconcious. (I actually do this a lot too, like I think she had a great insight or idea and she's not going to say it, and I want to get it out there in the world, so I say it like it was my idea, and some of my close woman friends have told me it makes them feel unappreciated, unheard, and made invisible. And like their ideas and contributions to the world will never be seen as their own - the credit will always go to someone with more social power.)
5. If you are a guy who sleeps with girls, use condoms! Never assume that she is on the pill or taking care of it in some other way. If you don't like condoms, work on getting use to using them. Try using lube. ( I mean, of course everyone should practice safe sex, but what I'm talking about here is taking responsibility for pregnancy)
anarchism, feminism, punk, part 2
This is from a blog I was doing for punk planet, and then decided not to do it there any more.
Punk, Anarchism, Feminism, pt.2
One of the things feminism taught me was that the patriarchy was deeply embedded inside my mind and inside my body. from the hollywood fairytales I'd been force fed, the prince in shining armor, the soul mate, the person who would complete me. It taught me about the feeling of incompleteness. It taught me to look at it critically instead of looking to fill it with promises that couldn't come true.
One of the thing Anarchism taught me is that the feeling of incompleteness is part of the neurosis of living in a world that robs us of our humanity by turning us into consumers and vacationers. work time and weekend time. Our feeling of incompleteness was partially due to the attempt to fill our needs with empty products, fill our loneliness with empty fun.
One of the things punk taught me was to scream.
I was a girl who hated girls. I was not one of the mean girls who was mean to girls outloud, but one of the quiet haters who just didn't hang out with girls much. I was one of the girls who got her self worth from men, and more than that, from my desirability.
I had learned from my abuse that if I let someone close to me, they would want that, sex. that my only worth was sexual, mostly. There were the logical parts of me that knew that wasn't true, but when you are sexually abused young, (or ever) the logical parts aren't the one attached to your soul.
I had learned from the media a whole array of woman hating things. Maybe you can look at one media image and laugh at it, but it is the endless repetition, the torture of it seeping in through the edges of your eyes when you're just walking down the sidewalk. The way brainwashing works, repeat, repeat, repeat, until you deny that you've been effected, but you have.
One of the things feminsim taught me was that change does not happen on it's own, and the feminists of the 60's weren't hairy leged, man hating complainers. The Conciousness Raising groups I'd heard about and seen depicted as just a bunch of women sitting around talking shit, were actually mostly groups that really seriously talked about and deconstructed the ways patriarchy (not individual men) had sunk into them, and what they could do to unlearn it and confront it and change the world so it wouldn't happen all over again. They read and talked and related ways patriarchy showed up in their daily lives. They started health groups and newspapers and worked to change the laws that made it legal for a man to rape his wife (like my dad raped his), and they worked to change the laws that made it legal for a man to rape a prostitute. (although both of these things are still a nightmare to fight in court.) The feminsits started rape crisis centers (like the one I went to for free counciling), and sanctuarys for women who were victims of domestic violence. They started publishing houses to publish books by women, and fought to bring women's studies departements to colleges. They worked to uncover forgotten and hidden history of women's acheivement and women's struggles. This is just a surface scratch of things they did.
Another thing I learned was how the ideal of womanhood is embodied.
I started paying attention to how I walked, how I took up space, who I made eyecontact with, who I looked to for approval. I started trying to unlearn. Not that I wanted to walk like a "man," or any of that, but that I wanted to be able to walk into a room and feel like I belonged there. I wanted to be able to walk down a sidewalk and not always be the one stepping out of the way, I wanted to sit on a bus and take up the amount of space I needed, and not always be crossing legs and making small while the guy next to me took up twice his space. It was the feeling of entitlement. I didn't want abusive power, but I did want to be entitled to live in this world fully.
pt. 3 coming soon.
Punk, Anarchism, Feminism, pt.2
One of the things feminism taught me was that the patriarchy was deeply embedded inside my mind and inside my body. from the hollywood fairytales I'd been force fed, the prince in shining armor, the soul mate, the person who would complete me. It taught me about the feeling of incompleteness. It taught me to look at it critically instead of looking to fill it with promises that couldn't come true.
One of the thing Anarchism taught me is that the feeling of incompleteness is part of the neurosis of living in a world that robs us of our humanity by turning us into consumers and vacationers. work time and weekend time. Our feeling of incompleteness was partially due to the attempt to fill our needs with empty products, fill our loneliness with empty fun.
One of the things punk taught me was to scream.
I was a girl who hated girls. I was not one of the mean girls who was mean to girls outloud, but one of the quiet haters who just didn't hang out with girls much. I was one of the girls who got her self worth from men, and more than that, from my desirability.
I had learned from my abuse that if I let someone close to me, they would want that, sex. that my only worth was sexual, mostly. There were the logical parts of me that knew that wasn't true, but when you are sexually abused young, (or ever) the logical parts aren't the one attached to your soul.
I had learned from the media a whole array of woman hating things. Maybe you can look at one media image and laugh at it, but it is the endless repetition, the torture of it seeping in through the edges of your eyes when you're just walking down the sidewalk. The way brainwashing works, repeat, repeat, repeat, until you deny that you've been effected, but you have.
One of the things feminsim taught me was that change does not happen on it's own, and the feminists of the 60's weren't hairy leged, man hating complainers. The Conciousness Raising groups I'd heard about and seen depicted as just a bunch of women sitting around talking shit, were actually mostly groups that really seriously talked about and deconstructed the ways patriarchy (not individual men) had sunk into them, and what they could do to unlearn it and confront it and change the world so it wouldn't happen all over again. They read and talked and related ways patriarchy showed up in their daily lives. They started health groups and newspapers and worked to change the laws that made it legal for a man to rape his wife (like my dad raped his), and they worked to change the laws that made it legal for a man to rape a prostitute. (although both of these things are still a nightmare to fight in court.) The feminsits started rape crisis centers (like the one I went to for free counciling), and sanctuarys for women who were victims of domestic violence. They started publishing houses to publish books by women, and fought to bring women's studies departements to colleges. They worked to uncover forgotten and hidden history of women's acheivement and women's struggles. This is just a surface scratch of things they did.
Another thing I learned was how the ideal of womanhood is embodied.
I started paying attention to how I walked, how I took up space, who I made eyecontact with, who I looked to for approval. I started trying to unlearn. Not that I wanted to walk like a "man," or any of that, but that I wanted to be able to walk into a room and feel like I belonged there. I wanted to be able to walk down a sidewalk and not always be the one stepping out of the way, I wanted to sit on a bus and take up the amount of space I needed, and not always be crossing legs and making small while the guy next to me took up twice his space. It was the feeling of entitlement. I didn't want abusive power, but I did want to be entitled to live in this world fully.
pt. 3 coming soon.
Monday, May 7, 2007
punk, anarchism, feminism part 1
punk, anarchism, feminism.
I have a sort of mythology about how I became a punk. It's not exactly the true story but it goes sort of like this - I didn't become a punk until after punk died -- when Green Day first signed to a major label, and I didn't even know who they were. In Berkeley, where I'd just moved to, there were people sitting on curbsides, taking up public space, making invisible places theirs. They said they weren't punks any more, that punk had betrayed them, that punk was not going to change the world. They were ex-punks I guess, but I don't know. They seemed like punks to me. What I loved about punk was the way we actually lived in the world, walking everywhere and exploring every abandoned building. I liked the hope behind the desperation, and I liked the desperation. I was tired of pretending. Although, honestly, that was something that was hard to unlearn.
What I liked about the music was the songs about real things. Songs about tearing down the capitalist system and building a new world in it's ashes. Songs about the real life of growing up girl in this fucked up society. Songs about killing rapists and songs about loving our friends. What I loved was the drama and the sticking together. The way it encompassed everything and made it possible to forget. I loved the shacks built in forgotten places, and figuring out how to live on almost no money at all, and how life became so much fuller when time was spent living instead of just going along. I still love these things, except not the forgetting.
There were things I was glad that I had before my punkness, like the strong poltical belief that we had to change the world and that there were a million ways that it needed to be done, that ridgid dogma and pure lifestyle weren't the answers. I wanted collectives and alternative schools and alternative health care, small farms and deep thinking, organizing work and cultural work and that if you thought you knew the 100% true answer, that meant it was time to really rethink your assumptions. I was glad I came in to punk with a love of intellectualism and the way theory could push my brain and help me think of things I hadn't had the framework for, and also a hate for the ways intellectualism made some people into pretentious, unliving robots, cut off from the realities of life.
I am glad I came into it with a strong background in feminism, because there was a lot of friends I made who were really reactionary against it, and who refused to see their complicity in perpetuating the values of patriarchy. There was a lot of "we are all just people" and a lot of blindness to the real things that silenced me and so many people I knew. There was a lot of fucked up sexual dynamics, same as with the rest of the world. A lot of unaknowledged sexism and a lot of the attitude that we had to laugh it off or tough it up.
What I loved was the punk girls who looked insane. Who wore blue eyeshadow around their eyes like a raccoon, and prom-dresses and whatever else. Who grew out their mustaches and screamed on stage and also cried in public and organized. Girls doing bike repair for girls classes, and self-defense, and teaching other girls how to play guitar.
This is a little mini introduction into what this stuff has meant to me. This is the kind of things I'll be writing about. Punk and feminism and anarchism, and also about healing and abuse.
If you want, you should check out my dorisdorisdoris.com. there's a speech I gave recently about these things that a lot of people have told me was useful to them and you can read it there. thanks.
I have a sort of mythology about how I became a punk. It's not exactly the true story but it goes sort of like this - I didn't become a punk until after punk died -- when Green Day first signed to a major label, and I didn't even know who they were. In Berkeley, where I'd just moved to, there were people sitting on curbsides, taking up public space, making invisible places theirs. They said they weren't punks any more, that punk had betrayed them, that punk was not going to change the world. They were ex-punks I guess, but I don't know. They seemed like punks to me. What I loved about punk was the way we actually lived in the world, walking everywhere and exploring every abandoned building. I liked the hope behind the desperation, and I liked the desperation. I was tired of pretending. Although, honestly, that was something that was hard to unlearn.
What I liked about the music was the songs about real things. Songs about tearing down the capitalist system and building a new world in it's ashes. Songs about the real life of growing up girl in this fucked up society. Songs about killing rapists and songs about loving our friends. What I loved was the drama and the sticking together. The way it encompassed everything and made it possible to forget. I loved the shacks built in forgotten places, and figuring out how to live on almost no money at all, and how life became so much fuller when time was spent living instead of just going along. I still love these things, except not the forgetting.
There were things I was glad that I had before my punkness, like the strong poltical belief that we had to change the world and that there were a million ways that it needed to be done, that ridgid dogma and pure lifestyle weren't the answers. I wanted collectives and alternative schools and alternative health care, small farms and deep thinking, organizing work and cultural work and that if you thought you knew the 100% true answer, that meant it was time to really rethink your assumptions. I was glad I came in to punk with a love of intellectualism and the way theory could push my brain and help me think of things I hadn't had the framework for, and also a hate for the ways intellectualism made some people into pretentious, unliving robots, cut off from the realities of life.
I am glad I came into it with a strong background in feminism, because there was a lot of friends I made who were really reactionary against it, and who refused to see their complicity in perpetuating the values of patriarchy. There was a lot of "we are all just people" and a lot of blindness to the real things that silenced me and so many people I knew. There was a lot of fucked up sexual dynamics, same as with the rest of the world. A lot of unaknowledged sexism and a lot of the attitude that we had to laugh it off or tough it up.
What I loved was the punk girls who looked insane. Who wore blue eyeshadow around their eyes like a raccoon, and prom-dresses and whatever else. Who grew out their mustaches and screamed on stage and also cried in public and organized. Girls doing bike repair for girls classes, and self-defense, and teaching other girls how to play guitar.
This is a little mini introduction into what this stuff has meant to me. This is the kind of things I'll be writing about. Punk and feminism and anarchism, and also about healing and abuse.
If you want, you should check out my dorisdorisdoris.com. there's a speech I gave recently about these things that a lot of people have told me was useful to them and you can read it there. thanks.
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